MARRIAGE, LOVE AND COMPROMISE 

MARRIAGE, LOVE AND COMPROMISE 

Marriage is defined as the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship – a sacred union between a man and a woman.

LOVE. Humans crave Love. No kind of relationship, whether marriage, family or friendship can thrive without Love. It stands to reason, therefore, that love is essential to mental health and happiness.

The love referred to here is not romantic love, which, of course, has its place. Rather, it is a superior form of love that causes a person to show concern for the welfare of each other and for others, even putting them before self. It is Love guided by Godly principles, but is by no means devoid of warmth and feeling.

Relationships bound by love are both secure and happy despite the imperfections of the individuals. For instance, consider the Marriage Ceremony. The two parties are united by a perfect bond of union where the Groom’s (Doolha) and Bride’s (Doolhan) garments are knotted together with this verse: “With reverence and Love of God, I make this knot. May this union be strong, for life.” Also, looking at each other, they say: May God bless us. May our hearts be united. May He lead us on the path of righteousness. May God and all cosmic forces that rule over all keep us together”.

Couples who respect this fact strive to strengthen their marriage; they do not look for a way out when difficulties arise. Their love is strong and resilient. They work through difficulties to maintain marital harmony and peace.

Love is God’s foremost quality. ‘God is Love’ and can be attained through Love. The Ramayana says: “Milahi na Raghupati binu anuraga. Without Love, God is not obtained.

However, many such ‘love marriages’ are failing at an alarming rate. The notion that “love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage” is still widespread, but the arguments against it are gaining strength. It is argued that in the past, marriage was sacred, and love, if it existed at all, was a kind of bonus. Now that love has come to be seen as essential in marriage, love is perceived as sacred, and marriage as secondary. Accordingly, the number of marriages has been declining, while divorces, unmarried partners, and single-families are increasing.

Most marriages, we know, are not “love marriages,” but what we call “match marriages.” People have always fallen in love, and throughout the ages many couples have loved each other deeply. But only rarely has love been seen as the main reason for getting married. In many cultures, love has been seen as a desirable outcome of marriage; i.e., love develops and grows during the marriage. It has been found that love alone cannot save a marriage; it must be accompanied by a very important ingredient – Compromise.

‘Compromise’ is defined as an agreement or settlement that is reached by each side making concessions. Many believe before marriage that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is – Marriage requires lots of compromise.”

Compromise, no matter how difficult, is a necessary part of any successful and enduring marriage. For two people to work together as a team, each member must give and take once in a while. But many of us have no idea how to compromise. You are probably used to making decisions that satisfy you and you alone. Once you commit to marriage, you must consider the needs, wants, and happiness of your husband or wife. That means being willing to compromise. King Dasratha confessed to his wife Kausalya: “I arranged everything without asking you; that is why my desires have been frustrated.”  (Ramacharitamanasa. Ayodhya Kand).

Consider fairness. For compromise in a marriage to work, one person cannot always be the doormat. In other words, you cannot always get your way, and your spouse cannot always give in to you and your needs. Also, you have to consider the fairness of each decision.

Make a decision – and stick with it. After you have weighed your options and considered your spouse’s feelings and the fairness of the situation, you must make a decision together and stick with it. If you have been completely honest while undertaking all the other steps, you should come to a resolution which works for both of you.

Check in with each other. When there is ‘give’ and ‘take’ in a relationship, one or both of you is likely making a sacrifice or giving up something he or she wanted or needed. This can cause resentment, which can break a marriage. Check in with one another to make sure that there is no resentment or hurt feelings. Make sure when you agree to a compromise that you will not hold this sacrifice over your spouse’s head. You have to make the decision, stick with it, and move forward in a positive light.

 (Pandit Ramdial Balbadar is a prominent Aachaarya (Teacher) of Hinduism in Guyana. He is the compiler and author of many titles and has over 30 years experience in Pandits’ Training across Guyana. He is currently the President of the Sanatan Vaidic Dharma Pandits’ Sabha, Region 3).